Let me start off by saying that I pretty much hate children. They're sticky, smelly, loud, rude, whiny, needy little assholes. I can think of plenty more adjectives to describe my feelings towards children as a whole, but no one wants to read a sentence that long.
I should also mention the fact that this blog can probably be described as offensive. And I completely agree, it is pretty offensive. But I can't help the fact that I'm a classy ass bitch. So if you're easily offended this probably isn't the place for you.
Anyway, I have a friend who now has 4 kids, and she always loved trying to convince me how great of a mom I'd be. She used to love when I'd hold her son, who was about 1 or 2 at the time (See? I can't even properly judge a child's age...), and she'd always say how she could definitely see the "Mom Gene" in me. As someone who can't even keep the house clean, keep the dogs from eating the trash, keep the cat from peeing on dirty laundry, and needs at least 8-10 hours of sleep a night, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that motherhood isn't ANYWHERE in my genes.
The worst part about this whole thing is that I'm getting married in a little over 2 months, and my fiance officially has baby fever. His parents were older when they had him and are in their 60's and 70's now, so he doesn't want to be an old dad too. After recently turning 30, he's to the point where he's like, "Well, if it happens, it happens." And I'm still all, "Yeah, fuck that." You think by 28 I'd be semi-interested by now.
Nope. Not a fucking chance.
Actually, to be quite honest, it terrifies me. To the core. Everyone always says how it all just comes "naturally", but I can't think of anything that seems less natural than the whole childbirth process...
Which brings me to Reason #1 of why kids just fucking suck.
So I'm just browsing Facebook per the usual, and I come across this HORRIBLE picture that one of my Pro-Life friends posted. Pretty much, it's a depiction of an abortion at 23 weeks. Yeah, I might hate kids, but I don't wanna see that shit on my fucking NewsFeed. So then it's got me thinking about how big a fetus is at 23 weeks. Being the perpetual Google-er that I am, I put "baby size by week" into Chrome and go to the first link.
It brings me to a nice little site called "The Bump". For those of you that don't know, The Bump is run by the same company that does The Knot, AKA weddings on crack. So this is pretty much babies on crack. It breaks down fetus size by week in comparison to a fruit or vegetable. Here's where my train of thought went at this point: (the aqua text is excerpts from The Bump, with some of my own wording here and there...)
Week 4: Your baby's the size of a poppyseed! (Holy fuck, that's not so bad in terms of abortions, why is everyone getting their panties all in a wad?)
-"At 4 weeks, your baby, now known as a blastocyst, is practically microscopic -- a teeny ball of cells. She's busy settling into her new home (your uterus), prepping for all the crucial development she'll be doing over the next six weeks."
(Okay, still considered a ball of cells, so I was right. Abortions are still a go. And stop referring to my blastocyst as a "she", baby gender isn't even up for discussion at this point. My potentially male blastocyst is potentially offended.)
- "The ball of cells is splitting into the embryo (your future child) and placenta."
- "Baby's neural tube, the building block of his spine, brain and backbone, is already formed."
- "The amniotic sac and fluid are forming into protective cushioning for your baby."
Week 5: Your baby's the size of an appleseed!
-"Your embryo is now measurable -- though at week five, it's a wee .13 inches -- and she's gearing up for much more growth. In fact, in the next week, she'll almost double in size. Grow baby grow!"
(Now my embryo is a "she". Fuck off.)
-"The embryo doesn't look like much more than a tadpole right now, but at five weeks, she's already starting to form major organs (heart, stomach, liver, kidney) and systems (digestive, circulatory, nervous)."
(I have a tadpole!!!!)
Week 6: Your baby's the size of a sweet pea! (Did you have to say a sweet pea? Aren't they the same size as a regular pea? I do love peas.)
-"The average embryo at week 6 is about .25 inches and will double in size again next week. Wow!"
(Wow! This sucks.)
- "Obviously, she's growing like crazy!"
(Fuck. Off.)
- "She's about to get cuter too, since she's starting to sprout a nose, eyes, ears, chin and cheeks."
(This is an obvious lie seeing as no newborn, ever, in the history of humanity, was ever "cute".)
- "And she might even be wiggling her (paddle-like) hands and feet."
(So now you're saying I have a sea monkey?)
Week 7: Your baby's the size of a blueberry! (All of these fucking things are pretty much the same size.)
-"Your .51-inch embryo doesn't exactly tip the scales just yet but she's developing like crazy. She's already doubled in size since last week."
(I'm over this whole "she" thing.)
- "She's generating about one hundred new brain cells each minute!"
(Gee whiz!)
- "Also important: She's developing a permanent set of kidneys."
(Thank fucking god, these temporary kidneys were really starting to suck balls.)
- "Her arm and leg joints are now forming."
Week 8: Your baby's the size of a raspberry! (So I'm guessing next week is a strawberry?)
-"Now she weighs in (yay!) at about .04 ounces and measures about .63 inches. This week, she's growing about a milimeter each day."
(All I'm hearing at this point is "Not much going on in babyland.")
- "You can't feel it yet, but she's moving those arms and legs like crazy!"
- "Her fingers and toes are now only slightly webbed, and her tail (yes, she had one) is gone."
- "Fun fact: your baby's taste buds are now forming."
Week 9: Your baby's the size of a green olive!
-"She's gaining steam! At 9 weeks, your fetus measures around .9 inches and weighs about .07 ounces."
- "This is a milestone. She's no longer an embryo -- now she's a fetus!"
(Well shit, I guess this is the official abortion cut-off period. Embryo? Sure. Fetus? Now we're getting sketchy.)
- "She's developing more distinct facial features."
- "And she might now have a strong enough heartbeat to be picked up by a fetal doppler."
(Fetal doppler? Kind of like doppler radar? Like the weather? Cause that shit is semi-interesting. Unlike child birth.)
Week 10: Your baby's the size of a prune!
(BORING. This week sucks. I'm skipping ahead to things that don't make me want to take a nap.)
Weeks 11-16: Your baby's the size of stuff bigger than a prune but smaller than an avocado!
- "Watch what you say... tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean the little one can now pick up your voice."
(This is also known as the time that my child gets acquainted with it's mother's swearing problem. That I refuse to give up just because a fucking fetus is listening to me.)
- "And, if you're interested, an ultrasound might be able to determine gender."
(Fucking THANK YOU. Stop calling my fetus a "she" already."
Weeks 17-19: Your baby's the size of shit bigger than an onion but smaller than a mango!
-(Baby grows, yadda yadda yadda, this fucking sucks.)
Week 20: Your baby's the size of a fucking banana!
- "Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth."
Here's where I start to get seriously fucked up. Meconium: a tarry, black substance that sounds like shit that will BECOME shit. And it's going to fill the first diaper. Remind me to leave the fucking baby in the nursery so the nurses can change this little asshole's first diaper, because I KNOW that shit is gonna smell fucking RANCID.
Weeks 21-22: Your baby's the size of shit bigger than a pomegranate but smaller than some random yellow fruit that I have no fucking clue what it is!
- "Watch what you say -- baby is now able to hear outside noise from down in the womb. Studies show that baby finds gentle music and your own voice most soothing. Nipples are starting to sprout, and that little face is fully formed. And, baby's starting to settle into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks as they start and stop."
(I'm glad my baby is getting to sleep 12-14 hours a day while kicking the shit out of me so that I CAN'T fucking sleep. Way to be.)
Weeks 23-24: Your baby's between an orange and a canteloupe!
That's a pretty big fucking difference, but whatevs.
- "At week 24, baby’s progress isn’t just about internal stuff, it’s about her looks too. With pinker, more opaque skin, she’s looking more and more, well, like a baby. You might be experiencing some of the discomforts of the later months of pregnancy like leg cramps, backaches and swollen feet."
(So remind me again why having children sounds at all appealing?!)
Weeks 25-30: Fucking cauliflower to zucchini
- A whole bunch of symptoms that suck like hemorrhoids, heartburn, pelvic pain, frequent urination, and insomnia.
(Kiss my fucking asshole.)
Weeks 31-35: Pineapple to coconut
- I'm seeing shit about darkening nipples for breastfeeding and I'm about to fucking vomit.
- Baby decends lower so I have to pee more often. Thanks a lot, dickhead.
- My uterus (I've gone off the crazy train at this point as I'm speaking in the first person as if I'm actually fucking pregnant, lord help us all...) has expanded to 1,000 times it's original size. Yes, I typed that correctly. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. Why is this shit even possible?! Does anyone else not see this as a problem?!
Weeks 36-40: Some white squashy pumpkin looking thing to another fucking fruit that I have no idea what it is, which I find pretty fucking ridiculous because I LOVE fruit.
- My nesting instinct is supposedly kicking in. Fucking great.
- Apparently a pumpkin is week 38. HOW THE FUCK IS A PUMPKIN FITTING IN MY STOMACH?!
- And now it's a fucking watermelon.
- Fuck this, I give up.
So there you have it. Reason #1 why children fucking suck. Giving birth. And I didn't even mention the really gross stuff like shitting on the table, having a doctor elbow deep in your snatch every couple months, nasty ass discharge, afterbirth, essentially becoming a hot dog down a hallway girl, oh, and then having a disgusting, smelly, crap-filled infant to care for after this whole horrible process.
-M
